2026: It is a lemon.

 I had not blogged in years. Had a mountaintop moment when things were finally coming together and my mental health had really improved and my health has been following, I wanted to hit 2026 head on with all the appointments, putting on my big girl pants. I shared in a recent post celebrating the victories. Little did I expect that a mammogram would show a spot in my left breast and after further testing, I would need a biopsy. So here I sit, my left breast incredibly tender from yesterday's procedure, my mouth sore from an intense dental cleaning, and now a large cut on my face for a skin biopsy from a spot that my dermatologist provider found this morning. It is not easy for my brain to be positive and to focus on all things good and holy, but my mind is asking God why? And my heart hurts thinking of my sweet miracle son that looks at me as if I hung the moon, wanting to mom him until the end of time. 

So here I am, documenting that I may be on one of the greatest mountaintops or entering a new valley, trusting that God is already the Author of my story. And I want to focus on that as much as I can, even in the sleepless nights and in the worry. Ironically, I wrote in my planner months ago in planning for this month: "Go to sleep. God is always awake." It is almost as if God was already planting the seeds in my heart. 

As much as this year has started as a lemon, I have to remember God is at work. And this year, while it is a total lemon, God is in the business of lemonade. 

What the Health?

I have yet to meet anyone that says 2020 was the best year ever. I will say that though it was the hardest year collectively, there have been many bright spots amidst the challenges. When our world came crashing to a halt, we have been reminded to slow down. Priorities have shifted. Values evaluated. And we are all hopefully the better for it. 

But I can't lie that the novelty of sourdough bread, sweatpants, and Zoom calls has long worn off. At first it was amusing to be home and working, but then when you add a toddler into that mix, you are basically juggling coffee with a side of Blippi. The bubble machine and plethora of plastic toys can only keep interest for a 2-year old for so long. Add masks, social distancing, and the anxiety of it all, it truly becomes a recipe for a hot mess. 

And though I have had the chance to "see" a few people here and there, I crave conversation and connection. My weekly trips to the grocery store in which I talk a bit longer with the checkout clerk is just not enough. It wasn't until the calendar turned with the glimmer of hope in a new year in 2021 that I realized a new year is not the magic reset button. Instead, a pandemic coupled with a controversial election, I found myself awake at all hours. And as I was missing the connection with people, reeling with the uncertainty of the future, and trying to navigate the daily challenges, that I started to feel the weight of the world. My mind started to wander into despair, so much so that I have been to the doctor for a battery of tests from CT scans of my head, every blood test under the sun, and revisiting all of my health history to ensure that cancer has not reared its ugly head again. The pain in my chest, the constant headaches, the added pounds, and the extreme fatigue has taken its toll. 

So with that, I want to flip the script. I have had this yearning that there is more. We were not made to live isolated. And as a working mom, wanting to be the best version of herself, but also keeping the train on its tracks, I am giving myself permission to make a few extra stops along the way. At each stop, perhaps it is to rest, but maybe it is also to gather a few extra passengers. I have recently committed to a health and wellness journey that I want to share with others to hopefully provide help and support, but also to offer a connection. I want to create a space where everyone feels welcome, supported, heard, and loved. Let's make the plans to meet up (safely). Let's schedule the time to share our favorite things. Can we find ways to help carry each other's burdens? Can we find ways to enjoy company? Create things? Cook together? How can we celebrate in successes? What can we do to support each other better? I am committed that in this journey, we start to build a new kind of community where everyone has a place, belongs, and matters. 

Cheers to the new journey as we learn together! First up in my journey: self-care. 

Answer #1

I am in awe of the incredible support and love already being poured out to me and my family after sharing about my health junk. There is this recurring feeling that so much goodness is in store. 

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to report the first huge answer to prayer! There has been a cancellation in the surgery schedule which has been offered to me for 03.17.2021. That is NEXT WEEK! It is also the 3rd anniversary in which Jack and I got married in the church. What a relief as the anxiety has gotten the best of me in many ways, along with the pain and sleepless nights. The scheduler said it had been a really busy morning but she felt that I needed to be the one to take the date. Through my tears, she knew it was the right call. Answered prayer. 

There is so much more in store. And we now pray that the surgery is a success with absolutely no evidence of disease. I look forward to sharing all of the ways that God is (and has been) orchestrating such amazing details. 

But for now, I am saying a prayer of thanks. A prayer of thanks to and for all of you as well as for the God of details managing every step of the way.

Can't wait to celebrate on the other side!

Not Done Yet.

Celebrating my 14th cancerversary a few weeks back felt incredible as I have had so many great years of health and God's promises since that dreaded day back in January 2007. Ironically, it was right around that date this last January that I started to not feel well. I chalked it up to pandemic life and that I was feeling the weight of the worldly stuff leaning in on me. But the nagging voice continued. I needed answers as to why I was not feeling whole, especially since I had started the year with health and wellness in mind. 

After countless tests and so many medical appointments, all was showing within normal ranges, yet I have felt far from normal. And this last week, my gynecologist ran the blood work again, showing there was a small spike in my CA-125 (my ovarian cancer marker) from the previous test a few weeks back. My number had gone from 18 to 30. Though the spike still showed within normal range, I continued to advocate for myself with my doctors that something was off. Thankfully I have had great medical care and support from my health team along the way. I was sure hoping my instincts we wrong, but I am glad that my worries have been validated by the discovery of what looks to be two cysts on my remaining right ovary in addition to fibroids I already knew I had. 

The oncologist feels the best course of action is a full hysterectomy. We will now await a surgery date and with confidence, we believe that the results will show these are only cysts, with everything contained and easy to remove. We pray that God is using this another as a testament of His mercy and His healing so that I can be the best mom and wife (daughter, sister, friend, etc.) for many more years to come. 

I don't consider it a coincidence that Thomas woke in the middle of the night last night, which these days is a rarity. When I went in to check on him, he was crying asking me to hold him and rock him. I covered us both in his "dirt-dirt" (blanket) and rocked him to sleep. Best hour of my life as I held him close. It is that feeling of peace I pray continues in this next chapter. It is the same way I now approach God as I want Him to hold me close assuring me that all will be ok as I find refuge in His arms. I am beyond grateful that I get to be a mom to Thomas. He is and always be the most treasured gift in my life (along with Jack). I pray for so many more nights that we get to snuggle close. 

At this point, all of the love and prayers are greatly appreciated as we navigate next steps. We also ask that you trust with us that God is at work and that we will get the best news at the conclusion of the surgery. I will use the blog here to keep everyone updated so that we can streamline communication for the time being, but please feel free to text or call which I will answer as I can. Again, we move forward with great hope and confidence that all will be well. 

With love, peace, and hope and so much life ahead. 

.ellen.

Where Are The Bodies Buried?

Do you have those friends that know where the bodies are buried? Of course I don't mean that literally, but who knows all of the tea in your life? I am not talking about the "What do you want to be when you grow up?" kind of conversations. I am talking about the hard stuff. Like "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" and "Who will be guardian of your kids should something happen?" Are you having those hard conversations with anyone? They are uncomfortable, awkward, and often painful, but they need to be had. 

I have had these conversations a lot more recently. There were (and are) a lot of tears. It has been painful, but surprisingly, somewhat therapeutic. It becomes less awkward as we talk and it spurs on all kinds of interesting things to be learned from each other. It is almost like we should have parties at each others' houses to say this is where I keep the checkbook, this is where the passwords are, and this is what  I want when _______ (you fill in the blank). 

It is also a reminder that there is so much value to living in community. As we have all been living in such isolation for the year, that community has become fragmented and distanced. I am guilty of it for sure. I get lost in the land of plastic toys and bubble machines in our backyard, trying to get through the day without worrying if one of us contracted COVID-19 and what our jobs will look like tomorrow. I have been guilty of not leaving voicemails. Preferring a text over a phone call. And email over Zoom. But I have been stopped in my tracks. I am making the phone calls to say the things I mean. I am writing the longer messages to tell people that they are on my heart and mind. I am asking people to come help us care for our son so that we are not always walking in that alone. There is such beauty in the fellowship and also such release from all of the pressures being able to share in those precious moments of life. The other night I asked my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to come help me with Thomas' dinner and night routine. It turned out to be a memory forever etched in my brain as we sat in his room and sang songs. He loved the audience and I loved that he was able to see that there are so many people caring for him and loving him. 

So many times I have found myself saying we need to pause and say what is on our hearts. We need to share where the "bodies are buried." Life is hard enough that we shouldn't be walking it alone.