2026: It is a lemon.

 I had not blogged in years. Had a mountaintop moment when things were finally coming together and my mental health had really improved and my health has been following, I wanted to hit 2026 head on with all the appointments, putting on my big girl pants. I shared in a recent post celebrating the victories. Little did I expect that a mammogram would show a spot in my left breast and after further testing, I would need a biopsy. So here I sit, my left breast incredibly tender from yesterday's procedure, my mouth sore from an intense dental cleaning, and now a large cut on my face for a skin biopsy from a spot that my dermatologist provider found this morning. It is not easy for my brain to be positive and to focus on all things good and holy, but my mind is asking God why? And my heart hurts thinking of my sweet miracle son that looks at me as if I hung the moon, wanting to mom him until the end of time. 

So here I am, documenting that I may be on one of the greatest mountaintops or entering a new valley, trusting that God is already the Author of my story. And I want to focus on that as much as I can, even in the sleepless nights and in the worry. Ironically, I wrote in my planner months ago in planning for this month: "Go to sleep. God is always awake." It is almost as if God was already planting the seeds in my heart. 

As much as this year has started as a lemon, I have to remember God is at work. And this year, while it is a total lemon, God is in the business of lemonade. 

Motherhood.

When I was younger and people asked me about my life, I sketched out that I would be married by the 
time I was 22, probably teaching and driving a Volvo of some sort with 3-ish kids in tow. They say that if you want to see God laugh, you should tell Him your plans. I guess I make God laugh a lot because of all those dreams, the only thing to ring true was that I was a teacher, but even that has changed. I did not marry my high school sweetheart as I planned. Instead, I would endure a number of relationships, many of which were unhealthy and toxic to my goals and dreams. It wasn't until I was almost 39 that I became a wife to the man I viewed as my last attempt at online dating. Turns out he was one of the good guys. Pretty thankful I didn't give up looking before he crossed my phone screen.

And though I do not have 3-ish kids thanks to a cancer diagnosis and a completely altered plan, I was a dog mama to the most precious fur baby of all for 13+ years and after I turned 40, I finally held my precious baby boy. Thank you God for modern medicine that helped make him happen. Thomas is truly one of my life's greatest gifts and one of my proudest accomplishments. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him. The days are long, and the years are short, but I want to bottle up each memory as a treasure to revisit always. 

It is my goal to always show Thomas (and his dad) just how much I love him, but also how to be the best human he can be. I want to watch him grow, learn, and love life forever. I look forward to the days he starts to make decisions about his future. If he decides to go to college, where will he choose? What career path does he have in mind? Will he get married? Does he have kids? (The thought of hugging my future grandbabies sounds delicious.) Will he travel? Where will he live? Ultimately, any decision he makes, I am his biggest cheerleader. May he always know that he makes his mama proud and that my love for him is endless. 

But there are definitely some things I also want to teach him...

 

1. Love God. First and foremost. If you put God as the center of your life, your every decision, your path will always be made straight. It won't always be easy and the road may be narrow, but trust me, it is the road you want. God is always good. He is always faithful. His ways are higher than our own. And His plan will always be better - it may not always make sense, but trust it. 

2. Be a gentleman. Always. Open doors. Offer your seat, your jacket, a helping hand. It is not because others are weak, but because you value them more and want to be respectful and helpful. 

3. Dream bigger. 

4. Laugh a lot. 

5. Find a partner that honors you, respects you, supports you, and cherishes you. You are a treasure. Reciprocate these things. 

6. Give gifts for no reason. 

7. Speak your mind. Respectfully. 

8. Be spontaneous. Take the road trip. Dive in. Stay up late. Catch the sunset or the sunrise. 

9. Be memorable in the best way possible. 

10. Call your mom (and dad). Often. 

11. Say "I love you." Mean it. 

12. Lead with integrity. Never expect someone to do something you won't do so work harder and smarter, but don't let work be the reason you miss the important stuff.

13. Rise above the challenges. 

14. Know your worth. 

15. Wear sunscreen. 

16. Have a strong handshake but also a big hug ready when needed. 

17. Remember it is ok to cry. 

18. Never stop reading, including your Bible. 

19. Watch "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." It is one of my all-time favorites. And remember, before you reach your final act, that your life is an occasion. Rise to it. 

19. Always hug your mama. 

I love you infinity, Thomas. Mama has a lot more things to share with you, but for now, this will do. 

Mamas, hugs your babies tight tonight. Thank God for these precious gifts. And those of you that aren't mamas, but hope to be, I see you. I know the ache in the waiting. God's plans are always better. Always. 

Where Has the Time Gone?

It has been way too long since I have sat down to write. I guess that is what happens in the midst of a whirlwind year and then some from getting engaged, to married, and now a pregnancy (!!!). Not to mention a few more address changes (not starting that kind of chapter again!). And I have officially become Catholic. Of course, we have had so many other things mixed in to all of that like a fabulous honeymoon, Stella having two different surgeries, my mother getting married and moving to Idaho, as well as making memories with friends and family. It is evident that we do not believe in dull moments in our household. I suppose I am the one that bring that piece to the relationship as I married the most stable and steady man on the planet.

Poppa Tom

Though there has been much to celebrate, there is also a lot that has been lost. Sadly, my father-in-law has gone to his eternal home in July of 2017 after a brief battle with cancer. That was a very hard goodbye. I will forever consider myself blessed to have married into this family and to get to call him my father-in-law. Just as I think my own dad hung the moon, Poppa Tom definitely made me feel like I had just the right place in the family, marrying his only son. We also sadly lost Jack's cousin, Michael, in the fall, and not even a year after Tom's passing, my uncle Ed has joined them in heaven with his unexpected earthly departure in April.

Our original due date was November 6,
but we are now scheduled
for our c-section on October 15. 

As the days, weeks, and months have flown by, here we are about 6 weeks away from meeting our little boy (Stella is going to be a big sister!). This pregnancy has gone so quickly in many respects, but in other ways (like the lack of sleep, the endless appointments, and the bouts of "morning" sickness), it has inched by. I can't believe that I am going to be a mom! Finding out I was pregnant was one of the greatest moments of my life as I was crying in the bathroom texting my friend Julie the photo of the pee stick in the early morning hours, while Jack was still quite asleep in our room unbeknownst to my bathroom activities. I am sure that my tears were a lovely way to wake up as he didn't know what was going on. One of my favorite moments in this pregnancy besides announcing it and all the fun milestones, I enjoyed the reaction of our doctor when we told him that the pregnancy test was positive. He was quite surprised, saying our news was "remarkable." It was as if we hadn't been planning this whole thing and meeting with him for countless appointments prior to making it actually happen. I guess the odds were somewhat stacked against us, but we know that God is bigger and He did not disappoint. And of course, I believe that God has a sense of humor, considering it no coincidence that our original due date also marks the birthday of my late grandma (Nancy). And then finding out that we were having a boy just days before Jack's birthday and our first anniversary was literal icing on the cake.

My belly has grown to the size of a basketball as I am halfway through week 30, to which I am daily giving thanks for the healthy baby that lives within me (along with a handful of pesky fibroids). He is constantly kickboxing or disco dancing, which is always fun (except when it keeps me up all night). Amazing that half an ovary and a cancer history still allows for modern science and God's hand to give us a somewhat "normal" pregnancy through just one (very long round) of a successful fertility treatment. Other than being diagnosed with anemia and a placenta previa, I am beyond grateful that all has been relatively smooth throughout the last 7 1/2 months and our boy is healthy (with really long legs).

Our miracle baby.

I am also thankful for a husband that has been championing us through all of the stages of pregnancy with his patience and attentiveness. He was an excellent nurse getting us to this point with the daily doses of shots and medications that had to be perfectly administered for us to even get here. He has made sure that my baths are not too hot, that there is ice cream in the freezer, entertained my chili cheese fries craving, and secured me with the right amount of pillows when I try to sleep. It will be exciting to see him enter this chapter as a dad. I know that this boy will be lucky to have him and I am counting my blessings that we get to add this baby to our family.

Throughout the pregnancy, it has been another reminder of the great village we have around us, as if we could ever forget. We have felt the prayers. We have experienced the joys, the love, the generosity, the care, concern, and the uncontainable excitement.  We have been blessed through two very special baby showers given by people so incredibly dear to me / us. We have been showered with so many special gifts, love, and positive energy as we get ready for this baby's arrival. It is a lot like getting married when you feel so much love and support for such a season of life, but this time your love produces a tiny human claiming the hearts of us all.

Though I know we will soon be swimming in poopy diapers, endless feedings, and piles of laundry, I hope to carve out a bit more time to document this next chapter. I don't want to lose sight of the precious memories and moments to come.

Thankful for our growing miracle.


*And for those of you in the midst of infertility, for what it is worth, I see you. It is a gnarly roller coaster of emotions, appointments and decisions. Whatever path you are choosing to take, I support you. I am in your corner. I am praying for you and with you. Loving on you. Hoping for you. And willing to sit through any of the stages with you. I am willing to share our own path for those that may want to reach out for thoughts, advice, tips, and tricks. Again, for what it is all worth as I am not an expert, but a fellow sister that has been on the journey. xo.

Thanks, Plenty of Fish.

Disclaimer: This is our dating story leading to our proposal. It could include mushy details and/or be somewhat longwinded. Read at your own risk, especially knowing I have deemed 2016 as the Year of Adventure.

So let's begin by saying, thanks Plenty of Fish. We have a match. And if I do say so myself, a very good one. In fact, we are one of the statistics that prove the successes of online dating, but not without our share of entertaining curveballs.

To be honest, I was ready to throw in the online towel after a very colorful string of dates (Besides the non-committal type, I had the likes of those that forgot to mention they were still married, had multiple unmentioned children, excessive neck tattoos or rap sheets a mile long. And we won't even get started about the guy claiming to be the next Christian Grey...insert major eye rolling and ewwww). I was over it. My dating history could be a never-ending season of The Bachelorette. Each bachelor had a nickname. I knew that soon I would end up on the news or running for my life in this dating drama.

So it was when I stumbled across Jack's profile, I found myself quickly amused by his interests and likes which included family, craft beer, blueberries, broken-in jeans, green tea, hiking, and sharks with lasers (huh?!--but sold.). It was easy to see his quirky personality I could easily be attracted to, but also his authenticity that was quickly communicated.

I decided to add him to my favorite list without hesitation. But being that he said he wanted his matches to say more than a few words, I needed to craft the perfect balance of sarcasm and interest to catch his eye. To my negligence however, it alerted him that I added him to my favorites but with no message. And if you know Jack, he was quick on the draw with a punchy message to me about it. Fast forward a few messages of wit and sarcasm to when he (finally) asked for my phone number. At this point, I felt pretty good that he was not going to chop me up into bits or steal my dog or my identity. I gave him my number.

But you guys, I gave him the wrong area code. Oh balls. He thought I was a mail order bride scamming him for money. True story. I was waiting for this thing to crash and burn, but he let me try again with the right phone number so that we could talk, which we did. I had to drive to a grocery store parking lot just to talk to him because I didn't get any reception in my house and God forbid I drop the call a million times. He would've definitely abandoned ship.

Fast forward a few calls to our first date, which involved craft beer and walking through town, talking endlessly. We had a few more dates like that when I realized this guy was legit. Strange thing was that I couldn't nickname this guy. He was in a league all of his own. He was speaking my language and perhaps I was speaking his. Somewhere along the lines we decided to shut down our profiles and do this thing. Over the course of the next months, we met families, endured a few career shifts and changes, and then my unexpected cancer news earlier this year. Jack never wavered from any of challenge presented. He has stood by the fact that we are better together, like our own wolfpack, especially once you add Stella ("we're the three best friends...").

Four hundred and eighty-four days after our first conversation, Jack was on his knee in the Orange Circle, right near home and the place of many memories, proposing to me wearing a usual oversized cotton tunic and favorite broken-in jeans kind of glory with the cotton still taped to our arms from earlier blood work we had done (talk about a hot date...). Funny that I had been focused on lunch all morning, while he had been focused on making sure there was still a ring in his pocket. Needless to say, I freaked out (a lot) when I saw Jack on his knee. I had absolutely NO clue it was coming. But that is exactly as I would dream it and then some. Especially when I kept asking what the heck he was doing as it felt so surreal hearing the magical marry me words. And of course, I cried (and freaked out) even more when I saw the ring he had designed for me. With my entire being, my answer is, was, and always will be YES!


I am still on Cloud Infinity with my favorite human (and our favorite puppy, Stella). The proposal was completely perfect. Good job, Jack. All the feelings happening here for us. It is all so overwhelming in the very best way. This has been one insane ride I wouldn't trade for the world. I have decided to nickname him: Husband. It has a good ring to it (pun *sort of* unintended).

In the end, I get to be this guy's forever bride, even if I did unintentionally give him the wrong phone number. He's got the right one now.

So, thanks Plenty of Fish. You can officially delete our dating profiles because we are getting MARRIED!

I am the Moon.

Dear Friends,

After some recent thought and conversation with someone I shared much of my life, I have been wrestling over the privacy/publicity of my blog. With that being said, I would like to get a few things on the record. This is not a huge forum in which I choose to share. I made that clear from the first post.

They see me rollin'.

First, I am not a victim. In fact, as I read my blog, I can see that I am stronger than I have been in years. Broken, but strong. And the things that have been taking place in my own life are not perpetuating any sort of victim-hood identity. Quite the contrary. Rather, I want the message that comes across is one of strength, bravery, difficulty, and truth. I am totally blessed. BUT I AM STILL FLAWED. Imperfect. Broken. A beautiful disaster, if you will. Faithfulness is evident in every aspect of this life. Even in the difficult parts. And in recent moves and changes, it is not intended as a cry for help or sympathy. I strive instead to set that record straight here and now. To show others with my actions, not my words, that I do not need to encourage drama or to create tension. I have painted some situations in the past to play up my past role as a victim. It caused pain to people. I pay the price for that, as do they. I made mistakes. Big ones that caused some of the most important people in my life to suffer. That is my burden to bear. Sadly, that pain still resides in some situations that I wish I could erase. I can't change it, but I can work to build for the future. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices. Now, I am learning to live in love, acceptance, forgiveness, and kindness. What a novel concept. I apologize if anything indicates I need the whole "woe is me" act. I don't. And I am truly sorry to those I have hurt. Truly.

Second, I will not share EVERY detail of my personal life on my blog. Some details are meant to be private. I was pretty up front from the beginning that this blog was intended to serve as a journal of MY journey.  Some details may seem vague, but it is not for others to see it as my lure to hook you in. (I hate that kind of fishing.) Please respect the fact that I am sharing my vulnerabilities. It is not for you to prey upon them. If anyone is reached along the way, then praise. It is not about me, but rather about the grace in my story that may in fact reach another. When navigating through mud, it can be quite comforting to know you are not alone, even when you deliberately choose to sit with the pigs (as I have often done). That the mud will eventually be wiped away. There is no shame in being refined. This is a delicate balance of utilizing any sort of social media. I walk a fine line of being careful not to dance in the land of over-sharing. Things are easily misconstrued or assumed. And we all know what happens when you ASSume...

Third, it is not easy to get help, seek counseling, or reach out. In my recovery, it was only when I hit rock rock bottom (imagine rock bottom, then add another 10 layers and 10 years--that is rock rock bottom), that I actually realized I didn't have to live at the bottom any longer. Getting help was one of the bravest (and most difficult) things I have ever done. And truly, I struggle through those brave moments. Even a year into it. I often lean heavily on an amazing support group. I would start the last decade over again in a heartbeat and apply all of the things I have learned today. Gladly, I would make healthier decisions and engage in all things positive. The patterns of my past were clearly NOT working so I am choosing to embark on this adventure of learning to live in light. To get out of the darkness and to heal the wounds. The process hurts. And sharing parts of this are painful, yet therapeutic. If you are feeling that getting counseling or going to therapy is weak, let me tell you friend, this process is not for the faint of heart. You are brave. Be brave because you are HIS.

This last week, there were words spoken by a wise gentleman at CR that completely defined my own state of mind from the years past providing quite the revelation for me... I stuff my feelings. After stuffing those feelings, I carry them. And as the bag of feelings gets full, I carry more and then stuff some more. Eventually, the bag overflows and I reach the point of breaking. Not usually a moment of rage, but more of a breaking point. And then I feel guilty for having those feelings. So after unloading in a meltdown, I gather up the broken pieces and put them back in the bag. I am now learning to work THROUGH the feelings and to communicate before it gets to this point. To unpack the bag and leave it at the cross. I am working through the mistakes and the hardships, especially the negative patterns of the past. I pray through them. I know that it is NEVER too late to change. And that it is ok to have hope that the journey will lead to transforming thoughts and choices. HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE.

I am currently working through making amends. Sadly, I am not sure that every situation will lead to peace (or bubblegum and soda pop), but at least I can take ownership for the hurt or pain I have caused. I pray that forgiveness takes place and that there is a hope for the future. I am not perfect. I have caused great hurt. What's worse is that I have hurt those I love most. I have not always been fair. I have a stubborn streak that is being tamed. I did not and do not always communicate well, but I sure as heck am trying. I have made mistakes and choices that greatly impacted my future and the future of others. That is where I am learning to forgive myself and to understand the work in it because the guilt and regrets of that are incredibly heavy. And last time I checked, the "rewind time machine" I so wanted from that episode of the Jetson's has still not been invented. Because trust me, I would cherish the moments I had. I would treasure the memories and moments with those that are no longer with me. I would do things differently. I would laugh more. I would be proud. I would encourage and not enable. And I would not have lost my voice to the point where I am now-- looking to find it again.

I have decided to keep the blog public. But please understand that this is MY journey. My story. Feel free to continue reading. And if you don't like it, stop reading. I am not here to force feed you.

I am a work in progress. This is a messy process. This journey is genuine. I am not molding for others. The mask is off. I am working to better myself and to build (and hopefully, rebuild) healthy relationships. I will not give up on those I love. I am not a quitter. And I didn't come this far to walk away.

Grace, peace, and love.
.ellen.

"Are you the sun? The center of the universe? Because you act like the sun. And you think that I am just a hunk of rock. The moon. Well, at least people can walk on the moon."