Love is Love.

It is with a heavy heart that I think of the victims and families of Orlando. And as I mentioned in my letter to the Facebook world (whatever that means), I am not sad because many are of the LGBT community, but I mourn because they are human beings. It is sickening that there are people that live in fear for any reason. That is the tragedy.

The feeling of exclusion is real. We have all felt it to one extent or another, whether we were chosen last for the elementary school kickball team, or that time we were new to a school or group and sat alone at lunch time because we didn't yet have any friends. Or maybe it was the one time you stood alone in a classroom debate. Reasons somewhat irrelevant now, but at the time, the hurt and/or solitude was quite real. In recent years, I reflect on my tenure as a teacher in a local Christian school. I distinctly remember feeling excluded because I was not of the same heritage as the majority within the school, nor did I belong to the same church denomination, in addition to dating someone of a different race. I distinctly remember a conversation with an administrator about something as trivial as the color of my nail polish, which was greatly frowned upon because it was "different." In no way did I live in fear for my life for such things, but I know I didn't fit. I felt the exclusion. And that exclusion has definitely defined my views and I begrudgingly say that my sentiments of that experience are not fondly recalled. And of course, my feelings pale in comparison to those that live in fear daily because of race or lifestyle. I can't even begin to fathom what it must be like to be hated or mistreated due to orientation or race. The feeling of fear or intimidation is no way to live as a human. For ANY reason. It is saddening that friends within the LGBT community have suffered such fear and alienation. And for what?

I see some of these same patterns of judgment and divisions within the church. There are those quick to judge because of one's background, past, religious beliefs, lifestyle, etc. I see friends that have to live in secret for fear of losing their jobs, which is disheartening. Fellow Christians that are dismissed for their beliefs or pains ignored because they live "differently" than the next person in the pew. And as I am no expert, nor do I stand on a soapbox claiming to be perfect, I do know enough of my Bible to know that Jesus loved all people. He loved lepers, prostitutes, fishermen, tax collectors, priests, everyone. Jesus was all about love. Jesus was love. Jesus is love. His very action on the cross was love. And beyond His calling for us to love our neighbors (which is everyone), He also calls us to mourn with those that mourn. This is a precious time we can all stand united in our mourning with the people of Orlando. With people that are hurting all over this world. For whatever reason. It is our opportunity to be the very hands and feet of love to each other in every situation.

I wonder when as a society, as a world, we will stop fighting over bathrooms, or what box is checked on forms, and what we wear, look like, or prefer. Rather, I pray our children will learn more than to "tolerate" others, but to love people for the fact that they are human. It would be a dream to honor ALL cultures, beliefs, and communities that have a foundation rooted in love rather than hate. That somehow we could love as God does.

Please understand that this philosophy does not indicate that every child deserves a trophy. (That ideology is going to lead to some real issues for society.) It simply means that we do not need to come from a place of hate. That people are awarded jobs because they are qualified not because they meet a particular quota. Or that they are not excluded because they are "different." It means that when people want to join together for a common cause, that there is not a deeply rooted sense of fear of violence, retaliation, or hate. This idea is based on the fact that we are all created uniquely, with our common thread as human beings created in the image of God. We are in no means perfect and one group or race is not superior to another. We are created equally. And rather than burn books, crosses, buildings, or flags, or dodge bullets in a concert halls or nightclubs, or suffer from any other senseless acts of crime and violence, my prayer is that the pitchforks get put away. For good.

Hug your fellow humans. Love on people. Share a meal. Make the needed phone calls. Bury the differences. Embrace the commonalities. For whatever it is worth, I see you. I hear you. I love you.

Love is love. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

Dating Lessons.

In my recent experiences with dating, there are a few nuggets of advice perhaps worth sharing. 

1. I'm not all that patient. Not in the "Rush down the aisle" way, but in the "Is he gonna text back? It's been a whole 29 seconds."

2. My type is somewhere in between a motorcycle riding, tattooed, bearded guy that hopefully doesn't live with his mom and has a job he loves or at least feels success. Who are we kidding?! Beard optional. Scruff accepted. Tattoos not necessary. But I do like the adrenaline junkie that builds cool stuff. 

3. When in doubt on a date, wine is the answer.

4. I don't see the logic in the theory of going on a date for a "free" dinner. Nothing in life is free and I don't like obligation. 

5. I make more faces on a date than the emoji keyboard. 

6. I am highly attracted to a man with many layers. #onion

7. Honesty is hard to come by. 

8. I'm a "worst case scenario" dater meaning I usually assume I am on a date with Dexter and you can find me in the belly of a shark by the end of the evening.

9. I've met some interesting characters. One claimed to be crazier than Christian Grey (yikes!). Another forgot to disclose he had 4 children. Or how about the one that failed to mention he was married?! 

10. But then there are some genuinely good people. And when you find them, they carry their weight in gold. 

It is just nice to know that there are good humans out there that are honest and kind with a good sense of humor.

I am the Moon.

Dear Friends,

After some recent thought and conversation with someone I shared much of my life, I have been wrestling over the privacy/publicity of my blog. With that being said, I would like to get a few things on the record. This is not a huge forum in which I choose to share. I made that clear from the first post.

They see me rollin'.

First, I am not a victim. In fact, as I read my blog, I can see that I am stronger than I have been in years. Broken, but strong. And the things that have been taking place in my own life are not perpetuating any sort of victim-hood identity. Quite the contrary. Rather, I want the message that comes across is one of strength, bravery, difficulty, and truth. I am totally blessed. BUT I AM STILL FLAWED. Imperfect. Broken. A beautiful disaster, if you will. Faithfulness is evident in every aspect of this life. Even in the difficult parts. And in recent moves and changes, it is not intended as a cry for help or sympathy. I strive instead to set that record straight here and now. To show others with my actions, not my words, that I do not need to encourage drama or to create tension. I have painted some situations in the past to play up my past role as a victim. It caused pain to people. I pay the price for that, as do they. I made mistakes. Big ones that caused some of the most important people in my life to suffer. That is my burden to bear. Sadly, that pain still resides in some situations that I wish I could erase. I can't change it, but I can work to build for the future. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices. Now, I am learning to live in love, acceptance, forgiveness, and kindness. What a novel concept. I apologize if anything indicates I need the whole "woe is me" act. I don't. And I am truly sorry to those I have hurt. Truly.

Second, I will not share EVERY detail of my personal life on my blog. Some details are meant to be private. I was pretty up front from the beginning that this blog was intended to serve as a journal of MY journey.  Some details may seem vague, but it is not for others to see it as my lure to hook you in. (I hate that kind of fishing.) Please respect the fact that I am sharing my vulnerabilities. It is not for you to prey upon them. If anyone is reached along the way, then praise. It is not about me, but rather about the grace in my story that may in fact reach another. When navigating through mud, it can be quite comforting to know you are not alone, even when you deliberately choose to sit with the pigs (as I have often done). That the mud will eventually be wiped away. There is no shame in being refined. This is a delicate balance of utilizing any sort of social media. I walk a fine line of being careful not to dance in the land of over-sharing. Things are easily misconstrued or assumed. And we all know what happens when you ASSume...

Third, it is not easy to get help, seek counseling, or reach out. In my recovery, it was only when I hit rock rock bottom (imagine rock bottom, then add another 10 layers and 10 years--that is rock rock bottom), that I actually realized I didn't have to live at the bottom any longer. Getting help was one of the bravest (and most difficult) things I have ever done. And truly, I struggle through those brave moments. Even a year into it. I often lean heavily on an amazing support group. I would start the last decade over again in a heartbeat and apply all of the things I have learned today. Gladly, I would make healthier decisions and engage in all things positive. The patterns of my past were clearly NOT working so I am choosing to embark on this adventure of learning to live in light. To get out of the darkness and to heal the wounds. The process hurts. And sharing parts of this are painful, yet therapeutic. If you are feeling that getting counseling or going to therapy is weak, let me tell you friend, this process is not for the faint of heart. You are brave. Be brave because you are HIS.

This last week, there were words spoken by a wise gentleman at CR that completely defined my own state of mind from the years past providing quite the revelation for me... I stuff my feelings. After stuffing those feelings, I carry them. And as the bag of feelings gets full, I carry more and then stuff some more. Eventually, the bag overflows and I reach the point of breaking. Not usually a moment of rage, but more of a breaking point. And then I feel guilty for having those feelings. So after unloading in a meltdown, I gather up the broken pieces and put them back in the bag. I am now learning to work THROUGH the feelings and to communicate before it gets to this point. To unpack the bag and leave it at the cross. I am working through the mistakes and the hardships, especially the negative patterns of the past. I pray through them. I know that it is NEVER too late to change. And that it is ok to have hope that the journey will lead to transforming thoughts and choices. HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE.

I am currently working through making amends. Sadly, I am not sure that every situation will lead to peace (or bubblegum and soda pop), but at least I can take ownership for the hurt or pain I have caused. I pray that forgiveness takes place and that there is a hope for the future. I am not perfect. I have caused great hurt. What's worse is that I have hurt those I love most. I have not always been fair. I have a stubborn streak that is being tamed. I did not and do not always communicate well, but I sure as heck am trying. I have made mistakes and choices that greatly impacted my future and the future of others. That is where I am learning to forgive myself and to understand the work in it because the guilt and regrets of that are incredibly heavy. And last time I checked, the "rewind time machine" I so wanted from that episode of the Jetson's has still not been invented. Because trust me, I would cherish the moments I had. I would treasure the memories and moments with those that are no longer with me. I would do things differently. I would laugh more. I would be proud. I would encourage and not enable. And I would not have lost my voice to the point where I am now-- looking to find it again.

I have decided to keep the blog public. But please understand that this is MY journey. My story. Feel free to continue reading. And if you don't like it, stop reading. I am not here to force feed you.

I am a work in progress. This is a messy process. This journey is genuine. I am not molding for others. The mask is off. I am working to better myself and to build (and hopefully, rebuild) healthy relationships. I will not give up on those I love. I am not a quitter. And I didn't come this far to walk away.

Grace, peace, and love.
.ellen.

"Are you the sun? The center of the universe? Because you act like the sun. And you think that I am just a hunk of rock. The moon. Well, at least people can walk on the moon."