The J Collection.

xoxoxo for the well wishes.

It is no secret that somehow along the way, I have collected a handful of J's, many of which I hold near and dear. And two of my favorite J's sent some gorgeous flowers to my house in well wishes. Note, the flowers were all in shades of orange, which I know was purposeful as they coordinate with the city in which I now live. **insert fluttering heart for that attention to detail**

I am ready to get this chapter underway. I have come to terms that I have cancer, yet again. The tiresome days are starting to wear as we are in the nitty gritty days of moving as well as the overall feeling of just knowing what is to come. I am 100% ready to kick this thing. As well, I am reveling in the creativity that is starting to flow. Crisis has a way of awakening the sleeping giants. And let me tell you, this cancer journey (times 3) is a story in the making.

January 30 will mark Cancer-versary #9, marking another year to wear teal. If you choose to join in on the teal on that day, please use #fortheloveofovaries on your social media and tag me in any posts as I am still making my yearly collage to mark the day of life and celebration, as well as bring awareness to ovarian cancer fighters and survivors.

xoxoxo.
.ellen.

Sidenote: I am forever grateful for the outpouring of love, calls, visits, offers to help. As there are moments that this is all quite overwhelming, please forgive me if my response time is delayed slightly as I am still working full time until surgery, in the midst of moving, and scheduling a large handful or pre-op and post-op appointments as well as preparing for the few weeks out of the office.

Did You Know?

In recent weeks, I have been cleaning out my computer, and came across a document I created in the heart of my cancer journey just nights before my surgery. I had this overwhelming fear that I was not going to wake from the surgery and so, as morbid as it sounds, I had written letters to people.

I am not here to share those letters, but it got me to thinking about who I am. Where I was. Where I am. And who I have become. We spend countless hours creating our online profiles whether it be for social media or online dating and we don't always get a chance to know the heart of the person unless they are a dear friend. And though I straddle the line between sharing vulnerabilities through my blog/journal and keeping other details private, I consider myself to be an open book that grants access to certain chapters. And as I am asked to describe myself often, I have different things that come to mind.

With that being said, here are a few random facts that perhaps you didn't know... 

1. I have an overwhelming fear of needles. This is not a secret to those that have walked my cancer journey or have ever known me to have a doctor visit. My fear is so intense, I can't really even talk about it as it makes my arms hurt to just talk about it. 

2. My dream has been to be a published author and artist. My mind thinks in chapters and illustrations. Bucket list dreams. 

3. I have always wanted to play the tambourine in a band. Perhaps this is due to my lack of musical talent, but I just think it would be rad. Like more cowbell, but with a tambourine. 

4. I sleep with the TV on. It has been about 10 years now. I am working on the reasons as to why I do this, but it happens. Sadly, it has interrupted my dreams.

5. My shoe collection is absurd. And well, so is my closet which is equivalent to a boutique of too much. 

6. My guilty pleasure besides trashy reality TV is getting my nails done. Nail art is my jam.

7. There was a moment when I was a synchronized swimmer. Get me in a pool and I will show you a few signature moves. It is gold.

8. In college, there was this one time, I fell out of my loft bed. And I thought I was dying from a blood clot as I got a nasty goose egg on my shin. Ask my best friend, Jolie. It is how she became my best friend. Little did she know what she signed up for that night.

9. I used to work in Yosemite. And I would give anything to go back to those days. I love sleeping under stars and being on the water. Being outside is where I find peace.

10. I give to a fault. Especially of my time. It is an area in which I need better boundaries as some prey on it while others ignore what I give. Rarely I come across the few that appreciate it for what it is.

11. I am guilty of screenshotting my sister and my nieces in FaceTime conversations. It is my favorite. Unfortunately, the feeling goes both ways. So embrace that double chin and the bad hair days.

12. I don't travel enough. I need to take time to see more things and more places.

13. I used to want to chop my legs off at my knees as I was self-conscious of my height. I have learned to embrace it, but it takes a confident man to embrace it too.

14. Claustrophobia.

15. Vershas. My nieces. Sure, the word versha is made up, but my nieces are quite real and really the loves of my life besides a puppy.

16. Stella may or may not dress up for holidays. I don't know how she does it.

17. I live and function in lists.

18. I work too much, but it is a place I love with people I adore.

19. I have 100 things I want to do in 1,000 days.

There you have it. For now... 

Dating Lessons.

In my recent experiences with dating, there are a few nuggets of advice perhaps worth sharing. 

1. I'm not all that patient. Not in the "Rush down the aisle" way, but in the "Is he gonna text back? It's been a whole 29 seconds."

2. My type is somewhere in between a motorcycle riding, tattooed, bearded guy that hopefully doesn't live with his mom and has a job he loves or at least feels success. Who are we kidding?! Beard optional. Scruff accepted. Tattoos not necessary. But I do like the adrenaline junkie that builds cool stuff. 

3. When in doubt on a date, wine is the answer.

4. I don't see the logic in the theory of going on a date for a "free" dinner. Nothing in life is free and I don't like obligation. 

5. I make more faces on a date than the emoji keyboard. 

6. I am highly attracted to a man with many layers. #onion

7. Honesty is hard to come by. 

8. I'm a "worst case scenario" dater meaning I usually assume I am on a date with Dexter and you can find me in the belly of a shark by the end of the evening.

9. I've met some interesting characters. One claimed to be crazier than Christian Grey (yikes!). Another forgot to disclose he had 4 children. Or how about the one that failed to mention he was married?! 

10. But then there are some genuinely good people. And when you find them, they carry their weight in gold. 

It is just nice to know that there are good humans out there that are honest and kind with a good sense of humor.

Joy.

Call it an epiphany. A revelation. An awakening. A moment. It was probably just intended to be a compliment, but regardless, it was a moment I won't soon forget.

I frequent our company bank almost daily. Truthfully, I take joy in the bank visits, but that is a story for another day. 

All to say, after 6 months of visiting the bank and getting to know the group of Suits, yesterday, the Boss Man Banker asked me to step into his office after I had finished my transactions. Stepping into his office felt like I was being summoned to the office of the principal and we know I'm not a fan of most of those guys, so this was unusual.

As I sat in the chair across from his desk, we exchanged our pleasantries in his glass box of an office. And it was then he said that he needed to tell me something. Oh boy... 

But there was a method to his madness when he said that there is a stereotype to people of the O.C. and that I'm the antithesis. He alluded to the snob culture commonly associated with our neighborhood. Boss Man said I come in to the bank daily bringing JOY. He said that he (as well as the others working at the bank) look forward to my visit as I have energy and reflect positivity. Ironic that I've battled such depression and now this is my victory. The smile in my eyes makes him and others want to know me, so he claimed. And that he sees I have such a story to tell. My laughter and energy is contagious, making me a person that is attractive to others. Wow. I'll take the compliment. 

I am thankful for this particular conversation. But more importantly, I'm beyond grateful that Boss Man Banker took the time to say this. I don't thrive off of the opinions of others, but when life feels amazing and it is noticed, you can't help but feel joy. I am thankful that I can wear my years of sadness and stink face as a badge of honor that I've been able to retire. 

Boss Man Banker, thanks for the compliment. Hopefully it wasn't just fluff to gain business as I'm not interested. And you really aren't my type.

Black.

The dreaded commercialism filled holiday has come and gone yet again. I absolutely hate the day. In fact, I wear black each year as a tribute to our dear friend, Julie Irene Nichol (a.k.a. Penny). Rest in peace, friend. She hated the holiday and boycotted it each year, so it was only fitting to wear black once again in her memory. But also this year, being single for the first time in years, it was all the more reason. Not as a scorned woman, but as a woman empowered. Screw you, capitalist holiday that creates crowded restaurants, overpriced goods, and pressure to need someone. Nope. Not having it. Instead, I spent the day doing things for myself. I went shopping. Ate a delicious meal. Got a pedicure. Met up with a friend. Had a few glasses of wine. And stayed up way too late texting Good Suit. It was exactly the way I wanted to spend the day.

In fact, days like that seem few and far between right now. I have been running on empty with all that my schedule has been packed with these days. I had Jane for 10 days. I have been working weekends doing merchandising and other projects. I moved finally. Again. (And HALLELUJAH!). And I have been trying to catch up with friends and maintain some semblance of a social life. I love the busy-ness of it all, but it is not so good for the time I need to myself. To think. Draw. Paint. Read. Sleep. Reflect. Pray. So as we have entered the season of Lent, I have decided that rather than give up my indulgences or vices like wine, shopping, eating out, sweets, coffee, etc., I am taking back. I am going to start saying no. It is unfortunate, but I have taken a few valuable pages from the book of the boss man. He has empowered me and reminded me to do so. In fact, in recent conversations, he has also shed light on other aspects of my life. Amazing how he is not only an amazing creature as a boss, but speaks such wisdom and demonstrates such care for me as a human. He is one of my Top 10 favorite men I will know in this life.

Recent conversation with boss man led me to finally surrender my "key." Months ago, I took a key during a series at church about the "Key to..." I had been holding on to the key until I could forgive. Trust me, I was white knuckle fisted around this situation of hurt. I had been struggling to forgive someone for years and that also ultimately led to a struggle to forgive myself. And after talking with boss man, he said that the last 12 years of my life, pain and all, have led me to this place where the pieces have all fit. He said that all he sees in me is joy. And rather than hold on to the hurt, I should be thanking that person for freeing me to be where I am now. Ding. Ding. Ding. I have let it go (Go ahead, sing the Frozen version). But truly, I have been able to let the walls down and realize that it is all part of the journey. I am done hurting. I am done harboring. I genuinely miss you. Wish the best for you. And hope our paths cross from time to time. But I am riding the Tsunami of Awesome instead. So thank you. And, for what it is worth, I forgive you. But more importantly, I forgive me.

I am enjoying this new chapter with the Daughter Girl. Suit. Jitana. Deeder. Lita Pita. Inked Writer. Hot Nutz. Gusband Bestest. Spirit Animal. Listen Linda. The Mister. Ronny Tornado. And all of the other people that make my life so colorful.

So, Valentine's Day, you are dumb. You will always be a holiday to wear black. Again, Let's Be Rad. 2015.

Tsunami of Awesome.

(This post was actually written September 14, 2014)

As it seems, I have often used the word "journey" to describe the last year and a half (or perhaps back even further). Almost like the way we used "intentional" during our Biola days. I cringe in fear that it may seem trite or cliche, which is not my goal. I tell you that I am not the same person that started this journey so many months ago. Perhaps it defeats the purpose if I have to say that, but I think that I am in awe that often I don't always recognize myself. I have gotten to a place where I an appreciate the smallest of things. I can truly celebrate in the joy of others. And I grieve with those that are hurting. Life is no longer about things. Money. Or power. It is about the way we can say "yes" to each day. I am guilty for getting caught up in routines and the stagnant. I can't even see how that is possible anymore. I have not had two of the same days in months. And though I was worried about what this new chapter would look like, I am thriving. I had my mini pity party when my teacher friends all started school, but I had to shake it off. My teaching career is a chapter of my past life. I lived that chapter. It was a good one. And also one of the hardest. The people still matter, but the career is no longer my calling.

With that being said, in the last week, I have seen the clouds pass and the fog lift. Is it clarity of thought from the REAL food I had been eating from Whole30? Is it the fact that I am getting the door beaten down by opportunity? Is it the Step Study I have finished after 8 long months? Or is it the messages I have been hearing preached in church? I am sure the culmination can all attribute to the tsunami of awesome, but really, and I mean reeeeaaaallly like real talk, it is that the pieces of the past (and the future) are finally making sense.

The journey has been one I compare to a roller coaster, and in the last year or so, I have been climbing, anticipating the gut wrenching drop. My stomach has done the flips. I have screamed (on more than one occasion). Clenched my fists, holding on for dear life. And now, I get to feel the wind in my hair. The laughter in the thrills of this part. I do long to share in this journey with people that are no longer on the ride, but I can't blame them for getting off the ride. It is not for the faint of heart. They have their own trail to blaze for now. And at times, it could've been best described more as a crazy train. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again.

For now, I am in awe of not only the provision in my life, but of incredible faithfulness. It is not good enough that I was allowed one blessing, but a multitude. That, my friends, is the definition of grace. I am now challenged to give that grace to others as it is abundant.

I look forward to sharing the specific details of this journey. I can tell you that I have had a sip of the entrepreneurial Kool-Aid and it is delicious. This life I get to live is shaping up to be better than I could ever hope or imagine. If you can stomach the inconsistencies it may bring, you can also relish in the thrills that come too. I now get to be incredibly creative. I am meeting amazing people. Having once in a lifetime experiences. I get to enjoy my days. I enjoy drinking my wine and I still have a few bad habits, but I am no longer stuck in a gear of neutral. I can confidently hold to the promises of this life. Hope. Love. Forgiveness. Healing. And an amazing future. This chapter is truly called my "Tsunami of Awesome."

Whole30. Day 1.

This is the start of all things madness. I am talking real madness (like REEEAAAL). My friend Sarah and I are embarking in the craziness called Whole30. And today martked Day 1.

What is Whole30, you may ask? It is eating real food for 30 days. No sugar. No carbs. No fun. Just kidding. It is fun. So far. But I have been advised that by Day 4 or 5, I will want to kill all things. That'll be fun.

Whole30 is a reset to the metabolism. It is definitely a diet of discipline. It is eating in the manner that God created. For us to treat our bodies like the temples they are, but also to ditch the nonsense preservatives and fillers that destroy our body. As a cancer survivor, it is all the more reason to consider every bit of food I eat so that my body is operating at its best. In the next 30 days, I will eat plenty of eggs, lots of protein, and the fridge is filled with color. I love it.

I am encouraged by the way Whole30 friends are feeling (and looking). So, as life is about developing better patterns and habits, here starts one of healthy eating. Real food. Real life. Real.