Black.

The dreaded commercialism filled holiday has come and gone yet again. I absolutely hate the day. In fact, I wear black each year as a tribute to our dear friend, Julie Irene Nichol (a.k.a. Penny). Rest in peace, friend. She hated the holiday and boycotted it each year, so it was only fitting to wear black once again in her memory. But also this year, being single for the first time in years, it was all the more reason. Not as a scorned woman, but as a woman empowered. Screw you, capitalist holiday that creates crowded restaurants, overpriced goods, and pressure to need someone. Nope. Not having it. Instead, I spent the day doing things for myself. I went shopping. Ate a delicious meal. Got a pedicure. Met up with a friend. Had a few glasses of wine. And stayed up way too late texting Good Suit. It was exactly the way I wanted to spend the day.

In fact, days like that seem few and far between right now. I have been running on empty with all that my schedule has been packed with these days. I had Jane for 10 days. I have been working weekends doing merchandising and other projects. I moved finally. Again. (And HALLELUJAH!). And I have been trying to catch up with friends and maintain some semblance of a social life. I love the busy-ness of it all, but it is not so good for the time I need to myself. To think. Draw. Paint. Read. Sleep. Reflect. Pray. So as we have entered the season of Lent, I have decided that rather than give up my indulgences or vices like wine, shopping, eating out, sweets, coffee, etc., I am taking back. I am going to start saying no. It is unfortunate, but I have taken a few valuable pages from the book of the boss man. He has empowered me and reminded me to do so. In fact, in recent conversations, he has also shed light on other aspects of my life. Amazing how he is not only an amazing creature as a boss, but speaks such wisdom and demonstrates such care for me as a human. He is one of my Top 10 favorite men I will know in this life.

Recent conversation with boss man led me to finally surrender my "key." Months ago, I took a key during a series at church about the "Key to..." I had been holding on to the key until I could forgive. Trust me, I was white knuckle fisted around this situation of hurt. I had been struggling to forgive someone for years and that also ultimately led to a struggle to forgive myself. And after talking with boss man, he said that the last 12 years of my life, pain and all, have led me to this place where the pieces have all fit. He said that all he sees in me is joy. And rather than hold on to the hurt, I should be thanking that person for freeing me to be where I am now. Ding. Ding. Ding. I have let it go (Go ahead, sing the Frozen version). But truly, I have been able to let the walls down and realize that it is all part of the journey. I am done hurting. I am done harboring. I genuinely miss you. Wish the best for you. And hope our paths cross from time to time. But I am riding the Tsunami of Awesome instead. So thank you. And, for what it is worth, I forgive you. But more importantly, I forgive me.

I am enjoying this new chapter with the Daughter Girl. Suit. Jitana. Deeder. Lita Pita. Inked Writer. Hot Nutz. Gusband Bestest. Spirit Animal. Listen Linda. The Mister. Ronny Tornado. And all of the other people that make my life so colorful.

So, Valentine's Day, you are dumb. You will always be a holiday to wear black. Again, Let's Be Rad. 2015.

Whole30. Day 2.

Breakfast.

Whole30. Day 2.
Breakfast: Eggs (over easy). Grilled steak. Avocado. Cilantro. Onions. = Heaven on a plate (and kept me full!)
Lunch: Grilled steak salad with strawberries, mushrooms, onions and hardboiled egg.
Dinner: Baked chicken with bacon. Broccoli.
Drink: So much water throughout the day. I have cucumber and lime in my water mostly. I am definitely missing beverage choices. I crave a soda like nobody's business.
Snack: Banana with almond butter.

Dinner. 

This was much more successful than Day 1 as I figured out how to be less STARVING. It totally helps doing this concept with Sarah, and also with the great support of the folks from The Warehouse (my church). I love that I can pick their brains and see what they are eating, feeling, managing.

Thanks, Carly! 

I felt a bit more energetic on Day 2, but that could've just been a change in attitude as I have hit a crossroad in recent days and I am choosing to take the better path. As much I want certain things, I relinquish control. Things will happen when they need to. I feel like I am finally putting together some significant pieces of this journey and it is starting to make sense. I have much to be thankful for as I have a new car. A great place to live. New opportunities. A growing business with Studio Black Sheep. And a new hair style to accompany it all the change (Amazing what happens when you give your hairstylist carte blanche. You walk out with 6 less inches and a different color(s)--Carly gave me one of her best styles this week. She is the greatest. You need a good stylist? Call her.).

I often barely recognize myself as the only thing that has stayed the same is Grandma Stella. And even she is working on being an awesome dog, as if that is even possible. She is so incredibly social now. She is playing really well with others. And she is still snoring to be cute. Her only downfall is a pending surgery to fix her eye and to take out a tumor from her belly. (That will not be a fun day). She still likes to rock the homeless look, no matter how hard I try and shake that for her, she seems to like her hair best that way. And the little devil still talks back. She absolutely adores Sarah. I think she is working her way to Dave. I think they have a secret love-hate relationship. Overall, I think she misses snuggling on the couch (it is against the rules, which is good for her) and I know she often waits at the door in hopes that she will get a visitor. I swear, she is such a vital part of my life. Sounds so lame when people say dogs are the best of friends, but this puppy is my world. She is one of the faithful and has been a constant in the midst of change. In my humble opinion, dogs are one of God's best ideas.

I will soon be floating an Idaho river if I get a good price on a plane ticket. I can't wait to kick it with my potato people. And then I will come back hitting the ground running. Good things are in the works.

Cheeseburgers and Goldfish.

Gone are the days of the .39 cent cheeseburgers. (Thanks for that reminder, Leslie.) Gone is the day of the dorm-approved goldfish pet that somehow birthed at least a dozen little swimmers (get your minds out of the gutter) that we housed in a bucket. And let's not forget the death of our beloved Mrs. C. from Y & R. Those were the days. The good 'ol days. These current days look a lot different. The goldfish is long gone. RIP Nameless Goldfish (The name escapes me. I am sure it had something to do with Jackopierce or some random Smokejumper). And the cheeseburgers, oh the cheeseburgers. Curse you McDonald's. Curse you for jacking up your prices. And curse you for your processed food. And curse you body for not being able to eat 4 of those preservative filled patties without adding extra pounds just looking at you. I add 6 inches to my backside just pulling through that blasted drive-thru. Thankfully, the only thing about that economy cabin fast food joint I guilt on now is their iced coffee.

Anyhow, I am continuing in this process of navigating...I read through my blog posts and this blog seems more like an aimless wandering through unwritten chapters. I have not had afforded you all the grace of my indecent humor or my dry smirks. I have been dying to share with you my obsession with Quinoa (the girl, not the grain). Nor have I truly been able to share with you the life of Juanito, my long lost who-knows-what out in Gustine. Or that Byron Scott is seriously the new head coach for my beloved Lakers. (I bleed the purple and gold--even through the rare, but atrocious seasons.) And my days of sharing about my reality trash TV obsession are non-existent. Bummer for you. Or should I say, bummer for me because my TV is somewhere in storage.

I hear you, Stella. This is exhausting.

Instead, I do all sorts of introspective reflection. Ugh. Gross. And I am in the midst of having (or getting) to share those skeletons with my sponsor to clean out the cobwebs. Cuss. Trust me, I have a hilarious side. I often tell people I am the funniest person I know. Rather these days, I question who I truly trust. The funny is on reserve. There are few I let in the sacred rooms of my heart. And there are those I want to let in, but they have declined the invite. Or maybe it is just that they get lost trying to find their way (again or at all). And then comes a bucket of other wonderings...Who am I now? What the heck am I doing? Who do I want to allow in my inner circle? This crap is exhausting. I long for the days when the biggest question was "What am I going to wear tomorrow?" Or "What day of the week is it so we can get those .39 cent cardboard delights?" First world problems.

There are so many other "crazy" things to share. Like random (or more like divinely orchestrated) encounters with people that say they were supposed to meet me at this time or that, as they have something to share with me. I still marvel at the friendships that have rallied and taken root in the land of foreverness. (That is better than BFFs.) The void of one is filled with many. I am fulfilled. I am happy (working on the joy part). And I am thriving (on most days). All of it seems to be part of a bigger puzzle assembling behind the scenes. And I am in this holding pattern wondering what it all means and how this all will play out.

#partyanimals

So as this journey continues, I hope to share the brighter sides of life (or at least my brilliant humor). The good mixed with the bad. The days when you can eat whatever and not care. (Curse you, Whole 30!) Or spend excessive amounts of time watching goldfish. Because that is real important. Reals important. For now, I share today's highlight (other than two a-mazing client meetings and talking with a few different friends at random) was watching Duke continue his pursuit of fly-chasing as well as an impromptu photo op for a dear friend's birthday. With that, let me present to you, Duke and Stella.

This is my life.

 My dear friend Julie said I would get to a place in this new life of mine and I would have this moment, when the realization would set in and I would confidently and thankfully say, this is my life. Smirk smirk. Yeah right, I would get that glorious moment. But February happened. The highest highs and the lowest lows. (Once again, cue the singing angels and their harps--for the good parts, of course).

Nothing special ushered in the moment. But it happened. It hit me gently like a ton of fluffy bunnies. Like soda pop and bubble gum. This is my life. For a split second, I teared up and let all other thoughts escape. This. Is. My. Life. And though I immediately wanted to text my friend Julie to sing from rooftops about the moment that had just occurred, I let it all sink in with, what I am sure, was a silly smile of pure contentment on my face.

The Pee Monster.

As that moment (as well as that weekend) has been engraved in my memory as a treasure, I would say that our lives are far from perfect. We have our flaws and imperfections. And reality makes itself known often and loudly like bullhorns and dragsters. Reality hits in moments like when I dropped the cup of red salsa on the carpet at lunch. Brought partially raw brownies to treat for my colleagues. Having tons of unanswered questions about what is to come. Or after talking smack about another's mishaps, my phone charger starts its own sparking party, burning the charger and the outlet as I drive down the road. Or like when I wake up at 4 in the morning today, in a puddle of Grandma Stella's leaking bladder (for the 10th time). This is my life.

My parade has been peed on many times in the recent weeks. Life is messy. Literally and figuratively. It is a bit chaotic at times. It is unexpected. It is walking at times in blind faith. But somehow, I am always able to get back to the moment of...This is my life. The difference now in contrast from 6 months ago in is how I brace for the storms. And when they hit (as they are inevitable), thank God I have an umbrella and carpet cleaner because you just don't know if it will be a hurricane or a yellow puddle.