Motherhood.

When I was younger and people asked me about my life, I sketched out that I would be married by the 
time I was 22, probably teaching and driving a Volvo of some sort with 3-ish kids in tow. They say that if you want to see God laugh, you should tell Him your plans. I guess I make God laugh a lot because of all those dreams, the only thing to ring true was that I was a teacher, but even that has changed. I did not marry my high school sweetheart as I planned. Instead, I would endure a number of relationships, many of which were unhealthy and toxic to my goals and dreams. It wasn't until I was almost 39 that I became a wife to the man I viewed as my last attempt at online dating. Turns out he was one of the good guys. Pretty thankful I didn't give up looking before he crossed my phone screen.

And though I do not have 3-ish kids thanks to a cancer diagnosis and a completely altered plan, I was a dog mama to the most precious fur baby of all for 13+ years and after I turned 40, I finally held my precious baby boy. Thank you God for modern medicine that helped make him happen. Thomas is truly one of my life's greatest gifts and one of my proudest accomplishments. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him. The days are long, and the years are short, but I want to bottle up each memory as a treasure to revisit always. 

It is my goal to always show Thomas (and his dad) just how much I love him, but also how to be the best human he can be. I want to watch him grow, learn, and love life forever. I look forward to the days he starts to make decisions about his future. If he decides to go to college, where will he choose? What career path does he have in mind? Will he get married? Does he have kids? (The thought of hugging my future grandbabies sounds delicious.) Will he travel? Where will he live? Ultimately, any decision he makes, I am his biggest cheerleader. May he always know that he makes his mama proud and that my love for him is endless. 

But there are definitely some things I also want to teach him...

 

1. Love God. First and foremost. If you put God as the center of your life, your every decision, your path will always be made straight. It won't always be easy and the road may be narrow, but trust me, it is the road you want. God is always good. He is always faithful. His ways are higher than our own. And His plan will always be better - it may not always make sense, but trust it. 

2. Be a gentleman. Always. Open doors. Offer your seat, your jacket, a helping hand. It is not because others are weak, but because you value them more and want to be respectful and helpful. 

3. Dream bigger. 

4. Laugh a lot. 

5. Find a partner that honors you, respects you, supports you, and cherishes you. You are a treasure. Reciprocate these things. 

6. Give gifts for no reason. 

7. Speak your mind. Respectfully. 

8. Be spontaneous. Take the road trip. Dive in. Stay up late. Catch the sunset or the sunrise. 

9. Be memorable in the best way possible. 

10. Call your mom (and dad). Often. 

11. Say "I love you." Mean it. 

12. Lead with integrity. Never expect someone to do something you won't do so work harder and smarter, but don't let work be the reason you miss the important stuff.

13. Rise above the challenges. 

14. Know your worth. 

15. Wear sunscreen. 

16. Have a strong handshake but also a big hug ready when needed. 

17. Remember it is ok to cry. 

18. Never stop reading, including your Bible. 

19. Watch "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." It is one of my all-time favorites. And remember, before you reach your final act, that your life is an occasion. Rise to it. 

19. Always hug your mama. 

I love you infinity, Thomas. Mama has a lot more things to share with you, but for now, this will do. 

Mamas, hugs your babies tight tonight. Thank God for these precious gifts. And those of you that aren't mamas, but hope to be, I see you. I know the ache in the waiting. God's plans are always better. Always. 

Where Has the Time Gone?

It has been way too long since I have sat down to write. I guess that is what happens in the midst of a whirlwind year and then some from getting engaged, to married, and now a pregnancy (!!!). Not to mention a few more address changes (not starting that kind of chapter again!). And I have officially become Catholic. Of course, we have had so many other things mixed in to all of that like a fabulous honeymoon, Stella having two different surgeries, my mother getting married and moving to Idaho, as well as making memories with friends and family. It is evident that we do not believe in dull moments in our household. I suppose I am the one that bring that piece to the relationship as I married the most stable and steady man on the planet.

Poppa Tom

Though there has been much to celebrate, there is also a lot that has been lost. Sadly, my father-in-law has gone to his eternal home in July of 2017 after a brief battle with cancer. That was a very hard goodbye. I will forever consider myself blessed to have married into this family and to get to call him my father-in-law. Just as I think my own dad hung the moon, Poppa Tom definitely made me feel like I had just the right place in the family, marrying his only son. We also sadly lost Jack's cousin, Michael, in the fall, and not even a year after Tom's passing, my uncle Ed has joined them in heaven with his unexpected earthly departure in April.

Our original due date was November 6,
but we are now scheduled
for our c-section on October 15. 

As the days, weeks, and months have flown by, here we are about 6 weeks away from meeting our little boy (Stella is going to be a big sister!). This pregnancy has gone so quickly in many respects, but in other ways (like the lack of sleep, the endless appointments, and the bouts of "morning" sickness), it has inched by. I can't believe that I am going to be a mom! Finding out I was pregnant was one of the greatest moments of my life as I was crying in the bathroom texting my friend Julie the photo of the pee stick in the early morning hours, while Jack was still quite asleep in our room unbeknownst to my bathroom activities. I am sure that my tears were a lovely way to wake up as he didn't know what was going on. One of my favorite moments in this pregnancy besides announcing it and all the fun milestones, I enjoyed the reaction of our doctor when we told him that the pregnancy test was positive. He was quite surprised, saying our news was "remarkable." It was as if we hadn't been planning this whole thing and meeting with him for countless appointments prior to making it actually happen. I guess the odds were somewhat stacked against us, but we know that God is bigger and He did not disappoint. And of course, I believe that God has a sense of humor, considering it no coincidence that our original due date also marks the birthday of my late grandma (Nancy). And then finding out that we were having a boy just days before Jack's birthday and our first anniversary was literal icing on the cake.

My belly has grown to the size of a basketball as I am halfway through week 30, to which I am daily giving thanks for the healthy baby that lives within me (along with a handful of pesky fibroids). He is constantly kickboxing or disco dancing, which is always fun (except when it keeps me up all night). Amazing that half an ovary and a cancer history still allows for modern science and God's hand to give us a somewhat "normal" pregnancy through just one (very long round) of a successful fertility treatment. Other than being diagnosed with anemia and a placenta previa, I am beyond grateful that all has been relatively smooth throughout the last 7 1/2 months and our boy is healthy (with really long legs).

Our miracle baby.

I am also thankful for a husband that has been championing us through all of the stages of pregnancy with his patience and attentiveness. He was an excellent nurse getting us to this point with the daily doses of shots and medications that had to be perfectly administered for us to even get here. He has made sure that my baths are not too hot, that there is ice cream in the freezer, entertained my chili cheese fries craving, and secured me with the right amount of pillows when I try to sleep. It will be exciting to see him enter this chapter as a dad. I know that this boy will be lucky to have him and I am counting my blessings that we get to add this baby to our family.

Throughout the pregnancy, it has been another reminder of the great village we have around us, as if we could ever forget. We have felt the prayers. We have experienced the joys, the love, the generosity, the care, concern, and the uncontainable excitement.  We have been blessed through two very special baby showers given by people so incredibly dear to me / us. We have been showered with so many special gifts, love, and positive energy as we get ready for this baby's arrival. It is a lot like getting married when you feel so much love and support for such a season of life, but this time your love produces a tiny human claiming the hearts of us all.

Though I know we will soon be swimming in poopy diapers, endless feedings, and piles of laundry, I hope to carve out a bit more time to document this next chapter. I don't want to lose sight of the precious memories and moments to come.

Thankful for our growing miracle.


*And for those of you in the midst of infertility, for what it is worth, I see you. It is a gnarly roller coaster of emotions, appointments and decisions. Whatever path you are choosing to take, I support you. I am in your corner. I am praying for you and with you. Loving on you. Hoping for you. And willing to sit through any of the stages with you. I am willing to share our own path for those that may want to reach out for thoughts, advice, tips, and tricks. Again, for what it is all worth as I am not an expert, but a fellow sister that has been on the journey. xo.

Reset Button and then Reset Again. Then one more time.

Oh balls...it has been one heck of a wild ride since leaving my job weeks ago. And just when I thought I had it all figured out, I have had to hit the reset button not once, not twice, but three times until I could finally get it right. It is no accident that in the last few weeks I have learned that I've been running 100 mph for so long that now everyone seems snail paced.I have also learned how to check my ego, how to value my worth, and that the grass is not always greener. But through it all, I am strong and I am finding my groove again.

I am thankful that I have met some amazing people along the way in the recent journey. Genuinely good people that I wish nothing but good on. This is more about learning that since leaving the teaching profession, my heart has not been settled. As I was so heavily involved with my kids as a teacher and coach, I have yearned (without realizing), that I find such joy in helping people. It is in my nature to serve and support. I have a need to be needed. The dichotomy comes in my creative brain that thrives in chaos. It has created such a challenge professionally as I find that one is sacrificed for the other. In a perfect and hopeful world, both will find equal place.

What I have learned in recent weeks is that the man I do life with is incredibly patient, kind, supportive and all things good for me. As I tend to find myself on the roller coaster time and time again, he stands by while I loop around one too many times without an I told you so on his breath (though I think he keeps those thoughts quietly in his back pocket). Bless him for enduring. And for his bouts of humor.

I have also learned that I'm impatient and often in the worst ways. I knew this about myself but have had to finally admit it begrudgingly. It does cause for a few eye rolls.

I am learning that doing life with intention is not easy. Life is messy. Sometimes life sucks, but life is also beautiful. There is a lot of hurt in the midst, but I have hope in the healing. Life can be chaos, but there is calm before and after the storms. I color in chaos.

In putting down roots again, there is vulnerability. True commitment stays, even when things get ugly. You can't run or hide when things get tough or uncomfortable. I want to be in it for the long haul. I want moments of joy to be etched in my memory bank as a well of resource when there are moments of drought.

For the most part, I am back in my own skin. My body is still somewhat tired (especially after starting Pure Barre, but I'll save that for a future post) but my soul is reenergized. Travel has done my heart well. I've spent time in Idaho with some of my favies and also took a long overdue vacation with an open ended agenda. It was an incredible coastal trip with my favorite companion. Lots of outdoor adventures, food indulges, and some great wine with amazing weather in the quaintest cabin made for moments to treasure along with the rocks and shells we brought home.

All to say, I'm indulging in my art again, getting healthy, cooking a lot (and actually well!), and enjoying the company I keep. Like the year I moved 8 times, and the year I went through meeting a ton of new people in my relationship transition, this Year of Adventure has led to significant professional change(s). But like the other changes, I'm finding myself in an even better place than I would imagine as it is opening the future for good.

So I will keep on dreaming. I will take the risks. And live just on the outskirts of my comfort zone. I will breathe deeply. I will look for joy, even in the desert moments. I encourage you to do the same. Trust me. It's where you find the treasure.

Rest Required.

So I am now in the cancer recovery zone from my surgery and barrage of doctor appointments. With an unexpected turn of being put on disability, I have been forced to rest from Dr. K for a few weeks. With skyrocketing blood pressure and the reopening of two incisions, I am now taking in the doctor's orders and find myself now at home most days, watching Netflix and writing, but also pouring my energies into resurrecting my need to create, draw, and paint. Alas, the birth of Paper Velveteen.

On a few attempts, I have tried to pursue my dreams to be an illustrator and children's author, but it always seemed as though life got in the way. Though that dream has evolved some, I am allowing my brush to do work once again. My new space has also been inspiring to do so along with the undivided time to devote. My work desk sits under two windows which gives so much natural light. As well, I find myself having dreams of new ideas, which is welcomed after weeks of restless sleep due to incisions, stress, and other such worries. (Still feels strange though not being in the office each day.)


It feels good to be back in my creative element. To listen to the still, small voice telling me that I can do this. That I can create something from nothing. That dreams come true with some ingenuity and hard work. And they aren't to be ignored.

So with that being said, I am in need of prayer as there are still some changes that need to be made. Some healing that is still underway. And a small dream starting to ignite into something quite undefined at this point.

Looking forward to this next chapter once again. After all, isn't this to be the year of adventure?!

p.s. If you are not yet following, give @papervelveteen some love. And please, tell your friends! There is more to come!

{The epic logo of Paper Velveteen was designed by the one and only @hat_daddy. Thanks, homie.}

2015. Welcome to the Circus, but first...

....Let's be rad.

2015 is here, people. We are a few days in and the motto is official. I thought about Shine. Hope. Love. Adventure. And though those things are all good and will probably be words I think of often this year, to be honest, this is the year to be RAD. Call me a hipster, but rad is the rage.

And so, with that in mind, there are a few things that are on my "to-do list" for the year.

1. 365 pictures in 365 days. A photo journal of my year. I want to document the journey in a few ways as it is amazing all that can happen in a year, so I want to photograph it. Beware Instagram feed. I will blow you up at least once a day. #stellabluedress365 #sorrynotsorry

2. The dreaded weight loss. (Isn't that on most lists?!) Though this year, the number to lose is big. That is all I will say about that.

3. Give something up each month. (January is soda). The list will include giving up french fries, soda, dessert, shopping, etc. and do I dare coffee and/or wine? I might become a lunatic.

4. To run at least 40 miles a month. (100 miles last January became a crazy obsession I am not ready to tackle again)

5. To travel more. Wherever. Whenever.

6. Find adventure.

7. To move once and once only the whole year.

There is more on the list, but that at least gets the party started for now (as I need to be packing for the first [and hopefully only] move of 2015). I know that this year can only go up from what last year's circus looked like. So now it is time to have fun. I want to say yes to the good stuff. To work hard. To devote time and energy to things that matter. To give. To encourage. I want to not be foolish. To love without abandon. And to do things that scare me.

Last year taught me so much about relationships, good, bad and ugly. I have made the conscious choice to forgive myself. It is time to move forward. I have learned to start sorting through the raw emotions of some difficult life stages within the last few year. And I am ready to not push things under the rug.

So, here we go 2015. Let's Be Rad.

Whole 30. Day 3-9.

STILL!

Boom. I am over a week in to this insanity called Whole30. It does humor me to hear some of you ask about this journey. Some in doubt, skepticism, or just plain curiosity. For those of your doubters, I am still in. But as I enter into Day 9, I must confess that to celebrate the multiple pairs of pants that are now too big (Now I understand why my friend, EO, had to have so many of her clothes altered, this venture can get a little pricey.), I thought I would take a sip of the sweet nectar called Diet Coke after church on Sunday. A bit of bubbly to cheers, right?! What a mistake. Instantly, the burn, the bubbles, the guilt and the shame commenced. It was NOT worth it. Water was quickly my chaser to such madness. I don't know what I was thinking.

I am now able to eat and prepare real food without hesitation (I am definitely a better cook after much practice in the recent months/year). And as much as I craved beer and chocolate on Day 5 (and still do), I am craving real food more. I drive past my favorite fast food joints and I give them the Stenson stare. I am not wanting to pig out on crap full of preservatives and fat-filled nonsense. HOWEVER, I am about to embark on a trip to visit my favorite potato people in northern Idaho. And there just so happens to be an amazing hot spot called Zips. I am already confessing to the upcoming cheatness called delicious chicken strips, fries, and huckleberry shakes (See the word berry? Let's just focus on that part).

So for those of you interested in this madness, check out the website to get started: www.whole30.com. It is also really helpful to find great recipes and boards on Pinterest (I have a board on Pinterest if you want to follow it too. Helpful ideas, people). The book is also really great, called "It Starts With Food." It is really the method behind the madness.

Boom! Keep eating real, people.

Whole30. Day 2.

Breakfast.

Whole30. Day 2.
Breakfast: Eggs (over easy). Grilled steak. Avocado. Cilantro. Onions. = Heaven on a plate (and kept me full!)
Lunch: Grilled steak salad with strawberries, mushrooms, onions and hardboiled egg.
Dinner: Baked chicken with bacon. Broccoli.
Drink: So much water throughout the day. I have cucumber and lime in my water mostly. I am definitely missing beverage choices. I crave a soda like nobody's business.
Snack: Banana with almond butter.

Dinner. 

This was much more successful than Day 1 as I figured out how to be less STARVING. It totally helps doing this concept with Sarah, and also with the great support of the folks from The Warehouse (my church). I love that I can pick their brains and see what they are eating, feeling, managing.

Thanks, Carly! 

I felt a bit more energetic on Day 2, but that could've just been a change in attitude as I have hit a crossroad in recent days and I am choosing to take the better path. As much I want certain things, I relinquish control. Things will happen when they need to. I feel like I am finally putting together some significant pieces of this journey and it is starting to make sense. I have much to be thankful for as I have a new car. A great place to live. New opportunities. A growing business with Studio Black Sheep. And a new hair style to accompany it all the change (Amazing what happens when you give your hairstylist carte blanche. You walk out with 6 less inches and a different color(s)--Carly gave me one of her best styles this week. She is the greatest. You need a good stylist? Call her.).

I often barely recognize myself as the only thing that has stayed the same is Grandma Stella. And even she is working on being an awesome dog, as if that is even possible. She is so incredibly social now. She is playing really well with others. And she is still snoring to be cute. Her only downfall is a pending surgery to fix her eye and to take out a tumor from her belly. (That will not be a fun day). She still likes to rock the homeless look, no matter how hard I try and shake that for her, she seems to like her hair best that way. And the little devil still talks back. She absolutely adores Sarah. I think she is working her way to Dave. I think they have a secret love-hate relationship. Overall, I think she misses snuggling on the couch (it is against the rules, which is good for her) and I know she often waits at the door in hopes that she will get a visitor. I swear, she is such a vital part of my life. Sounds so lame when people say dogs are the best of friends, but this puppy is my world. She is one of the faithful and has been a constant in the midst of change. In my humble opinion, dogs are one of God's best ideas.

I will soon be floating an Idaho river if I get a good price on a plane ticket. I can't wait to kick it with my potato people. And then I will come back hitting the ground running. Good things are in the works.

Whole30. Day 1.

This is the start of all things madness. I am talking real madness (like REEEAAAL). My friend Sarah and I are embarking in the craziness called Whole30. And today martked Day 1.

What is Whole30, you may ask? It is eating real food for 30 days. No sugar. No carbs. No fun. Just kidding. It is fun. So far. But I have been advised that by Day 4 or 5, I will want to kill all things. That'll be fun.

Whole30 is a reset to the metabolism. It is definitely a diet of discipline. It is eating in the manner that God created. For us to treat our bodies like the temples they are, but also to ditch the nonsense preservatives and fillers that destroy our body. As a cancer survivor, it is all the more reason to consider every bit of food I eat so that my body is operating at its best. In the next 30 days, I will eat plenty of eggs, lots of protein, and the fridge is filled with color. I love it.

I am encouraged by the way Whole30 friends are feeling (and looking). So, as life is about developing better patterns and habits, here starts one of healthy eating. Real food. Real life. Real.