Did You Know?

In recent weeks, I have been cleaning out my computer, and came across a document I created in the heart of my cancer journey just nights before my surgery. I had this overwhelming fear that I was not going to wake from the surgery and so, as morbid as it sounds, I had written letters to people.

I am not here to share those letters, but it got me to thinking about who I am. Where I was. Where I am. And who I have become. We spend countless hours creating our online profiles whether it be for social media or online dating and we don't always get a chance to know the heart of the person unless they are a dear friend. And though I straddle the line between sharing vulnerabilities through my blog/journal and keeping other details private, I consider myself to be an open book that grants access to certain chapters. And as I am asked to describe myself often, I have different things that come to mind.

With that being said, here are a few random facts that perhaps you didn't know... 

1. I have an overwhelming fear of needles. This is not a secret to those that have walked my cancer journey or have ever known me to have a doctor visit. My fear is so intense, I can't really even talk about it as it makes my arms hurt to just talk about it. 

2. My dream has been to be a published author and artist. My mind thinks in chapters and illustrations. Bucket list dreams. 

3. I have always wanted to play the tambourine in a band. Perhaps this is due to my lack of musical talent, but I just think it would be rad. Like more cowbell, but with a tambourine. 

4. I sleep with the TV on. It has been about 10 years now. I am working on the reasons as to why I do this, but it happens. Sadly, it has interrupted my dreams.

5. My shoe collection is absurd. And well, so is my closet which is equivalent to a boutique of too much. 

6. My guilty pleasure besides trashy reality TV is getting my nails done. Nail art is my jam.

7. There was a moment when I was a synchronized swimmer. Get me in a pool and I will show you a few signature moves. It is gold.

8. In college, there was this one time, I fell out of my loft bed. And I thought I was dying from a blood clot as I got a nasty goose egg on my shin. Ask my best friend, Jolie. It is how she became my best friend. Little did she know what she signed up for that night.

9. I used to work in Yosemite. And I would give anything to go back to those days. I love sleeping under stars and being on the water. Being outside is where I find peace.

10. I give to a fault. Especially of my time. It is an area in which I need better boundaries as some prey on it while others ignore what I give. Rarely I come across the few that appreciate it for what it is.

11. I am guilty of screenshotting my sister and my nieces in FaceTime conversations. It is my favorite. Unfortunately, the feeling goes both ways. So embrace that double chin and the bad hair days.

12. I don't travel enough. I need to take time to see more things and more places.

13. I used to want to chop my legs off at my knees as I was self-conscious of my height. I have learned to embrace it, but it takes a confident man to embrace it too.

14. Claustrophobia.

15. Vershas. My nieces. Sure, the word versha is made up, but my nieces are quite real and really the loves of my life besides a puppy.

16. Stella may or may not dress up for holidays. I don't know how she does it.

17. I live and function in lists.

18. I work too much, but it is a place I love with people I adore.

19. I have 100 things I want to do in 1,000 days.

There you have it. For now... 

2015. Welcome to the Circus, but first...

....Let's be rad.

2015 is here, people. We are a few days in and the motto is official. I thought about Shine. Hope. Love. Adventure. And though those things are all good and will probably be words I think of often this year, to be honest, this is the year to be RAD. Call me a hipster, but rad is the rage.

And so, with that in mind, there are a few things that are on my "to-do list" for the year.

1. 365 pictures in 365 days. A photo journal of my year. I want to document the journey in a few ways as it is amazing all that can happen in a year, so I want to photograph it. Beware Instagram feed. I will blow you up at least once a day. #stellabluedress365 #sorrynotsorry

2. The dreaded weight loss. (Isn't that on most lists?!) Though this year, the number to lose is big. That is all I will say about that.

3. Give something up each month. (January is soda). The list will include giving up french fries, soda, dessert, shopping, etc. and do I dare coffee and/or wine? I might become a lunatic.

4. To run at least 40 miles a month. (100 miles last January became a crazy obsession I am not ready to tackle again)

5. To travel more. Wherever. Whenever.

6. Find adventure.

7. To move once and once only the whole year.

There is more on the list, but that at least gets the party started for now (as I need to be packing for the first [and hopefully only] move of 2015). I know that this year can only go up from what last year's circus looked like. So now it is time to have fun. I want to say yes to the good stuff. To work hard. To devote time and energy to things that matter. To give. To encourage. I want to not be foolish. To love without abandon. And to do things that scare me.

Last year taught me so much about relationships, good, bad and ugly. I have made the conscious choice to forgive myself. It is time to move forward. I have learned to start sorting through the raw emotions of some difficult life stages within the last few year. And I am ready to not push things under the rug.

So, here we go 2015. Let's Be Rad.

Top 10 Life Days.

I think in lists. My brain works better that way. And so if we were making a Top 10 List of Awesome Life Days...I've got some good ones I'd rank. Seeing my second niece be born. The day Stella became mine. The day I started CR. Special days when people entered my life, etc. But now... Friday, June 6, 2014 might make the cut.

I guess you could say it should've been a stressful day. And to a very small extent, I felt a wee bit of pressure. Granted, I was the oldest one in the room by a good 10 years or so. But never did I feel stress. For I was finishing the last step in the interview process for a professional sports team. (Yes, friends, keep in mind, I've been a teacher for 14 years. How did I get here?!) It started with 600 applicants. 30 were chosen. 22 were given invites for the in-person process. And from that 22, 11 of us received "golden tickets" to attend the evening game and the final step of the process. In total, I met multiple executives. Chatted with 2 of the team's players while trying to play it cool (One of those players just so happens to be a personal favorite of mine. He's got a great handlebar mustache). Got suite access to watch the game. Met great people. And had an all-access tour of the "office." All on what was supposedly an interview with some of the most interesting and nicest people around for one of the most amazing organizations. (An interview/hiring process that literally lasted just under 12 hours.) It was a day I felt nothing but peace and grace. 

All said, 5-6 of us will be chosen for the actual positions. Sure, I can't lie. I want the job. Bad. It would be an incredible opportunity. A few perks that would make me a popular friend to have at parties. And a learning experience I would not pass up. But regardless, this was one of those moments when I think..."This is beyond me moments."

If this works out, my office will be a big stadium where men get paid to play a sport. My commute would be about a 10 minute walk from where I am currently living. In the heart of what is quickly becoming my favorite city. 

If it doesn't work out, I had an absolutely amazing day. I am thankful for those that helped get me to this process. (I owe you!) And through it all, I can easily be reminded that life is still at work. This is just another step in the new chapter of my second life. 

Goodbyes.

I am not good at goodbyes. And after an email from a friend, some of this is getting a little difficult to digest, like the beginning of goodbyes. I am starting to say them. It isn't like I'll never return to L.A. or that this is goodbye forever. Just the "goodbye for now" is harder to say.

After this weekend, it got real. Clearly, I need to sip on the juice of joy, but that it is not always easy. I was at Opening Day for the Dodgers vs. Padres. I was torn as to which team to root for (though I am always Dodger blue at heart). Walking in to Petco Park for the first time was an adrenaline rush for a thousand reasons. This. Is. Real.

The other side of reality is hitting me. I will not be returning to the cozy classroom I have called my home for the last 9 years (or better yet, teaching for 14). There is a bitter taste still sitting in my gut over that. I am leaving my home in which I have lived all of 8 or 9 months, (which was, looking back), a big kickstart to this process of change. But what I leave is bigger than all of that. I am leaving a comfort zone. For the last (almost) 36 years, I have been in a 15 mile radius of a safe, familiar nest. And now I am moving 100 some miles away. Am I excited? Of course. Anxious? A little. Sad? Definitely. Ready? Yes.

But there is so much I am going to miss...

-The familiar smell of the grass on the fields I line each week.
-My own space. 
-The daily hilarity of my students (on that, I could write my own book).
-The laughter and daily joys of my colleagues.
-Starbucks Thursdays with Kim.
-Knowing how to get places (though I still get lost in my own neighborhood).
-Coaching.
-The Dodgers. 
-Being able to meet up with friends at the drop of the hat.
-Having dinner with my mom any day of the week.
-The Warehouse family.
-Grill 'Em All.
-Stella's babysitters. 
-Crying in church next to Robin and PK (almost a weekly occurrence for me still).
-The suburbs (though the city life excites me).
-Clifton's.
-The relationships with other schools and ADs.
-CR on Wednesday nights.
-Coincidental run-ins.
-Going to Julie's for dinner to party plan with her and Jessica (but this WILL still happen).
-My shops I love to frequent.
-Doing laundry at Jav and Stephanie's (though I think this will still happen from time to time).
-Plenty of parking.
-L.A. life.
-Jolie and dates with her cuties (I love being their Tia--and still will be).
-The Lakers (though this has been an embarrassing season).
-My closet.

The list will go on. I am sure I will add to it. So don't be insulted if you aren't on the list. It is just hard to say goodbye and some things I am just not ready to accept.