Needless to say, I am now 9 months in. I have the chip to prove it. One of the tasks I had been given by PK was to attend a group called Celebrate Recovery. It is an amazing group of fellowship for those with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. There are people from all walks of life that attend CR. Celebrate Recovery is a group for those with any sort of issue ranging from adult children of family dysfunction, alcoholics, divorce, drug addicts, to anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. Truly, it is a group for humans. There is no shame in admitting struggle, hurts, or weakness. Every human being can benefit from such an incredible program. We all have baggage we deal with and carry, when in all reality, we should leave it at the cross. The price has been paid. But I know, it is not easy. There are days I still walk back to the cross and try and pick up the baggage again like it is a lost appendage I just can't live without. You get used to carrying around the extra weight (and boy, I had been quite accustomed to carrying around a few extra hundred pounds). This is the beauty, however of CR (as well as church, great relationships, Christian fellowship, etc.). I need the constant reminder that I don't live in my past. The hurts are finished. The hang-ups are just that. Hung up. And my habits of old are replaced with good ones. I don't need to be anxious any longer. I don't have to live in the pits of despair.I can't lie. This journey has been difficult. There are still down in the dump days. Insecurity still surfaces every now and then. Sorting through the past will be and has been painful at times, but it is also quite freeing. I have seen the patterns of chaos transform into healthier habits. It is incredible that God never wastes a hurt. Going through an intensive Step Study each week has revealed some ugly beasts that I am continuing to slay. Being in CR each week, I can see that God has redeemed the lives of so many, including my own. There is hope. I still walk in this journey with days of doubt. I still wonder why God is doing some of the things that He is within my heart and life. I still dabble in despair. The details of my future are often still unknown. I have moments when I mourn the death of certain relationships. It is normal (even though they were unhealthy, they still hurt). Those things were a huge part of me for so long. But this is my freedom walk. I am no longer bound by the chains that once kept me from pursuing dreams. I am no longer listening to the voices that say I am not good enough. I have ignored the "And if I just looked like this...Or if only I could be more like..." I am no longer helplessly chasing around believing in empty fairy tales, a false sense of reality and half-hearted promises that kept me hanging on for years. Instead, I can proudly say that Pastor Kurt was right. That hopeless day in July has turned out to be the best day of my life. It has allowed me to see that when I was finally ready to accept the change, that change truly has taken place. People see it in me. I see it in myself. I truly feel joy beyond all imagination. Life is full of hope and opportunity. I have formed lifelong friendships with my CR family. What a gift, a blessing I never imagined. They are people I get to lean on, learn from, and share with along the way. I have a new start and a fresh perspective. I've started creating again. Dreaming. Hoping. Living. Laughing. Enjoying. I am embarking on the best parts of the journey and starting to honestly reap the benefits of God's plan for me which has been far better than anything I could have imagined, hoped or dreamed. As cheesy as it may sound, I can see that His desires for me are so much more than what I could've planned for myself.
Though I struggle with anxiety, co-dependence, and other hang-ups, I am on the road to healthier habits. Nine months in and still going strong...
