Christmas Letter. 2014.

Dear Friends...

Of course, I'd like to send out Christmas cards, but life is chaotic once again in preparations for my move (yes, I know...again) to a place I hope to call home for more than a minute. 

As I sit down to write this letter, I'm typing it from my phone as I wait to for Jane to finish dance class. (I'll explain later) Life is moving at a completely different pace than it was 12 months ago. But to be truthful, this is peace in chaos, which is unexpected. And I'm more than enjoying this chapter and all it is bringing. Reflecting on this year, it's been a lifetime of events in a mere 350 some odd days. 

I started the year in a relationship and with what I thought was a steady career.  Soon into the year, I was laid off from teaching, so plans to make the relationship more permanent seemed like an attainable reality. The decision to move to him seemed to make sense. I sold half of my furniture, clothes, and much of my other worldly possessions and moved once summer hit. I moved south with great dreams. And I also moved with a plan. Jory (my Bestest) became my business partner and Studio Black Sheep was born. I must say with truth that Jory has been a highlight of my year. The memories we've made in this adventure have been engrained in my brain for a lifetime and the proof lives on in Instagram and on Facebook. I mean, how can we forget that one time in Gustine?! 

And though the move to San Diego was sadly short lived as I love it there, it was a major springboard for change. With the sudden and quite unexpected move back to the LA area, I nannied (for like, a minute) for a few families before landing an amazing job at The LAB. The position, though hard to define, is incredible and tailor made for my personality, but more importantly, the people I've met have made the biggest impact in my life in such a short period of time. My boss and his wife feel like we've known each other for years. He continues to validate me as a person which NEVER happened with my previous working situation. The humor in our office is nothing short of a reality show in the making. And through this working at the office, I've also met the dad of one incredible girl. 

Jane. As I seem to have J's in spades, she's of course, the youngest in my collection, but nonetheless seems to make up for it with her larger than life personality. You know, it's interesting how our lives cross paths with people that are kindred spirits. The kind of people you meet and know you'll be connected for life. And as I have days I miss parts of my life with middle schoolers, I have her to tutor and mentor. She's my people. We understand each other. I get to spend these chunks of time with her. As we work on homework in between her dance classes, we are getting to spend time hanging out too. I see her learn, grow, be silly or serious and to be in conversation. I also get entertained as she is, after all, a thirteen year old. She fills my heart. It isn't something I can label, or even explain in a phrase or even a sentence, but I am thankful for what this is.  

This year has included the births of friendships. The deaths of relationships. A whole heck of a lot of time in a baseball stadium. Countless road trips. Living with gracious people in between chaotic life stages. Lots of #YAAAAASSSSS. Too many cardboard boxes. Idaho. Learning to conquer my anxiety and depression demons. Coffee in excess. A life changing Step Study. My collection of J's. A new car (with the gracious help of my dad and Katty Kat...ahh, Gustine). Making San Fran/Sac town my home away from home. Navigating my way back into church. And of course, Stella (Truly my only constant in this year other than the theme of change. Hard to believe she turned 9 this year!). 

Welcome to Tustin.

And so, as I get ready to embark on this next address move, I'm looking forward to the change. To have a roommate again (Boy, that is an ironic journey of worlds colliding). And to start the year in a better place, literally and figuratively. And to remember, it's not about my identity in others. It's about the identity of me. 

My friends, I pray that as we can get caught up in the holiday craziness, we don't lose sight of the blessings and faithfulness. I count my blessings a little more carefully as it was a frightful adventure of a year. My motto this year was to THRIVE. I finally know a heck of a lot more of what that looks like, which brings such a deep rooted freedom. Next year's motto is just starting to unfold itself. At this point, for 2015, I want to love. To shine. To hope. And to be free in me. 

With love,

.ellen&stella.

What's My Address Again?

The new place is still under construction.

So as I know things have changed so fast for me this year that before I finish typing this sentence I will probably have another new address. Oh wait...that's right...I am moving. Yet again. In 6 weeks. It'll be Move Number 7 or 8 in the last 12 months. Oy vei. This move I will actually order address labels for and make sure my driver's license matches only so that it seems like I am settled this time for more than a minute. On that note, I have also decided to go back to the roommate life as I was given an offer too good to refuse. I think that it will be a healthy situation and perhaps will provide an for an interesting story someday. It will be nice to have someone there too. I am (we are) upgrading to a very nice new top-floor apartment in a beautiful area that will allow me to spend a lot of time outdoors in Peter's Canyon (as well as other local parks and beaches) so I can run again in good areas and my homegirl, Stella, will get to enjoy life in the dog park at our home. I am looking forward to the change (and to finally unpack--though cardboard brown is so the new black).

Trailer chic.

And though I have moved from La Habra to Cerritos to San Diego to Whittier to La Habra to stints in San Francisco to a vacation in Idaho to Santa Ana to Tustin, I have at least settled in to THE most amazing job. I hate to even call it a job as I don't feel like it is even work. I literally get to be in an environment surrounded by all things Ellen. Creative. Retail. Design. Food. Drink. People. And lots of movement and action. It is really everything in my wheel house. I had no idea such a thing existed. And though I miss the coaching and kids (and some people) of my past life, I could not love this job any more than I do. I work for a creative duo that are at the top of the game. And best part, I have a boss that is a creative genius, respectful, thoughtful, and funny. I had no idea how much my soul and spirit had been damaged in recent years by some in authority of my past professional career. But that has all seemed like ancient history as I work for people that encourage and build. Not a day goes by that I am not laughing and leaving the day feeling valued. It is a dream. Because in turn, I work that much harder and get to thrive in this place. What a novel concept.

People are asking me all the time what it is that I do. And to be honest, I am not sure how to put it in words. I manage an office of creatives. I facilitate the personal and professional schedules of my boss. I buy for the retail spaces. I get to shop and source furniture and accessories for our new ventures. I plan fun events. I get to be creative. I am part of many projects. I work with all kinds of people from city officials, to creatives, to restauranteurs and some major players in the development world. It is kind of crazy. Even more awesome is that I get to have a pulse on trends and pushing the design envelope as I learn from those I work with each day. I get to try all kinds of food and drink from the restaurants. I have met great people that are quickly becoming great friends. I wear whatever I want to work. My hair can be whatever color. And I get to be me. No judging. It is freeing. The bonus (besides these amazing people): we have a trailer and a shipping container in our office. Bet you can't say that about your work space!

Bunny.

Beyond life at The LAB, I have spent a good deal of time making these fly-by-night trips to San Fran. Thankfully my Pops and Katty Kat are there, but I also get to see my "Bestest." (That means he is better than a bestie.) We have been spending these moments together that feel like a blip on the radar, but honestly, we pack every minute. We are still this powerhouse known as Studio Black Sheep making events happen and gettin' it done.  It is amazing how someone can fill your life with so much love and laughter and joy and confidence all at once. And you can spend countless minutes together singing Katy Perry at the of your lungs and purring at each other without being annoyed. It is the best. And to be truthful, it is Jory that I can almost singlehandedly say has been a force in getting me back on my game. He is an amazing human. The kind that plants the deepest and most honest friendship one can ever ask for.

There is a handful of folk that I can say that about these days. They are the ones that know me best and have never left my side. I get to spend holidays with those families. Celebrate birthdays. Go shopping for creatures needed for a 5 year old birthday party or to even just clean out the garage (for days in a row). Or just show up at their house for Sundays together to do whatever the day may call for. It is the kind of stuff that takes my breath away when I feel the sadness for the yesteryears. I have these people that fill the empty spaces. They are more than friends. The "friend" word doesn't do justice. They've become family. And though they definitely don't replace the significant people of the past, they help to bring in new memories and help me to build again. Just this time as a better version of myself.

In a nutshell, I am back. I am alive. I am me again. It has been a decade or so, but watch out. The sleeping lions are wide awake. It was my 2014 resolution to THRIVE. And though this has taken on a completely different look than what I had imagined back on January 1, this is shaping up to be a chapter I couldn't have written better myself. And that, my friends, is how we know that we are NOT the authors of our own story. We simply play a role in a grander picture. Thank God for that.

And so, the ampersand chapter continues...&

Tsunami of Awesome.

(This post was actually written September 14, 2014)

As it seems, I have often used the word "journey" to describe the last year and a half (or perhaps back even further). Almost like the way we used "intentional" during our Biola days. I cringe in fear that it may seem trite or cliche, which is not my goal. I tell you that I am not the same person that started this journey so many months ago. Perhaps it defeats the purpose if I have to say that, but I think that I am in awe that often I don't always recognize myself. I have gotten to a place where I an appreciate the smallest of things. I can truly celebrate in the joy of others. And I grieve with those that are hurting. Life is no longer about things. Money. Or power. It is about the way we can say "yes" to each day. I am guilty for getting caught up in routines and the stagnant. I can't even see how that is possible anymore. I have not had two of the same days in months. And though I was worried about what this new chapter would look like, I am thriving. I had my mini pity party when my teacher friends all started school, but I had to shake it off. My teaching career is a chapter of my past life. I lived that chapter. It was a good one. And also one of the hardest. The people still matter, but the career is no longer my calling.

With that being said, in the last week, I have seen the clouds pass and the fog lift. Is it clarity of thought from the REAL food I had been eating from Whole30? Is it the fact that I am getting the door beaten down by opportunity? Is it the Step Study I have finished after 8 long months? Or is it the messages I have been hearing preached in church? I am sure the culmination can all attribute to the tsunami of awesome, but really, and I mean reeeeaaaallly like real talk, it is that the pieces of the past (and the future) are finally making sense.

The journey has been one I compare to a roller coaster, and in the last year or so, I have been climbing, anticipating the gut wrenching drop. My stomach has done the flips. I have screamed (on more than one occasion). Clenched my fists, holding on for dear life. And now, I get to feel the wind in my hair. The laughter in the thrills of this part. I do long to share in this journey with people that are no longer on the ride, but I can't blame them for getting off the ride. It is not for the faint of heart. They have their own trail to blaze for now. And at times, it could've been best described more as a crazy train. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again.

For now, I am in awe of not only the provision in my life, but of incredible faithfulness. It is not good enough that I was allowed one blessing, but a multitude. That, my friends, is the definition of grace. I am now challenged to give that grace to others as it is abundant.

I look forward to sharing the specific details of this journey. I can tell you that I have had a sip of the entrepreneurial Kool-Aid and it is delicious. This life I get to live is shaping up to be better than I could ever hope or imagine. If you can stomach the inconsistencies it may bring, you can also relish in the thrills that come too. I now get to be incredibly creative. I am meeting amazing people. Having once in a lifetime experiences. I get to enjoy my days. I enjoy drinking my wine and I still have a few bad habits, but I am no longer stuck in a gear of neutral. I can confidently hold to the promises of this life. Hope. Love. Forgiveness. Healing. And an amazing future. This chapter is truly called my "Tsunami of Awesome."